Band-Aids and Duct Tape
Hi friends! It’s been a while since my last post and recently I have had a lot of people asking me when I will write again. I decided that I should explain why I have taken a hiatus from writing.
I was really burned by the church growing up, once when I was younger and then again in high school. I thought I had processed all of those emotions and wounds but a few months ago I took a class on the theology of church that blew off all the band-aids and duct tape I used to cover up those wounds.
Since then, I have been in a seemingly never ending storm of questions and unrest. In this storm, though, I have never doubted God. I am confident that He is wholly good, that the Trinity is true, and that God is for me. In some of my classes, questions were raised about the authority of Scripture and the church. Is the canon of Scripture closed? Should we reconsider that? How can God still use the church when it has such a stained history?
If I am being honest, going to church is really painful for me. Like actually physically painful. I know it is a spiritual battle manifesting itself physically, but I have deep pain in my chest the entire drive to church.
I haven’t been writing because I don’t feel like I have the authority to write. At this moment, I have more questions than answers so who am I to offer knowledge or advice?
Though this storm is tiresome, I do have hope that it will end and that all will be well. I know that I am going to come out stronger than ever in my faith, and I am very excited to see that happen. Here are 3 reasons why I have this hope.
God has never left me. This seems like a cliche Christian phrase but right now, it is what is getting me through this time. I feel like such a bad Christian. I feel like such a failure, and I feel like I am letting everyone around me down. But when those thoughts arise the most I can always feel the sweet gentle touch of God as if He is resting His hands on my shoulders. I hear Him say, “You are not a failure. You are my daughter, and I will never leave you.”
My default response is to turn to Scripture. This is the most ironic thing about all my questioning. I find myself turning to Scripture when I am questioning or needing answers for everyday things of life. I desire to read Scripture and to be in the Word, and that desire has never changed. It is as if I started doubting whether I could trust my friend, but I still valued their friendship and I missed them constantly. I would want to repair that friendship, just as I want to trust Scripture again.
I don’t want to abandon the church, I want to see it change. As I research people in history that have had difficulty with the church, it has never turned out well to simply abandon it. Also, I firmly believe that God loves the church. Honestly, this fact dumbfounds me most days but nevertheless if God loves something, I will too. I may not like the church right now, but I do love it and I want to see it be all it can be. I do not really know what change has to happen or how we would go about it, but if it is done in love and for the good of the church as a whole, I think a change needs to happen. The church is a place where broken people come to get whole. That is such a beautiful thing and I am excited to see my understanding and grace for that grow.
I want to restate that I am not questioning God in any way. I love the Lord with all my heart, and my life is fully dedicated to His glory and His ministry. I think the beautiful thing about God is that He embraces our questions and our doubts. It gives Him an excuse to show us more of His character and His heart. I am excited about this season because I am learning a lot. I know there is good in store for the future, and I am excited to continue on this journey with God.
I am so sorry that I have not been writing. I wanted to write this post to share what has been going on and to ask for prayer. I cannot fight this fight alone, we are not meant to be islands. If you think of me, please pray for me. I hope to write again really soon!
Thank you for your support and your patience through this season, I love to hearing from you all! I can be contacted through the two social media accounts I have linked at the top of this website and through the contact page. Always feel free to reach out!
I love you guys and I am so thankful for such a great community. Blessings, my friends!
